Strangers Scowling at Me: A Symptom of Anxiety That Was a Result Of A Life Time Of Bullying (1983)

I still remember an incident that took place in the spring of Grade 8 in 1983. The situation was so horrific it is like it was yesterday.

I was with my friend Ray in Toronto. Her parents had a booth at the Spring Cottage Life Show downtown Toronto. We were able to roam around Toronto while her parents worked the booth. At first, I had fun as I loved Toronto and the excitement of being in a big city. I used my imagination that I was a super star of some sort and here I was, walking around Toronto, ready to be photographed by the paparazzi. Daydreaming is how I coped with my anxiety and depression at that time. At some point, I let go of the fantasy and was in the real world. It was okay for awhile but then I experienced a mortifying incident. I remember it like it happened in slow motion. I was walking in a crowd, and everyone was staring at me because there was something innately wrong with me. I was a freak. I was disgusting. I felt ostracized and hated by mankind. Every person that walked by me glowered at me with a scowl on their face. I was horrified and wanted to climb under a rock.  Why can’t I just fit in with humankind? I felt so broken and unrepairable.

 I remember part of my brain knew that this was anxiety, and it could not have happened. However, I swear it did happen. Was it psychosis? However, I know that this cannot be true.  I am not a freak and there would be no reason for anyone to stare at me with such contempt and hatred.

Grade 8 was a rough year. I did not fit in with any of my classmates.  All my friends were in another class. There was a lot of mean girls in my class. I think because of my bullying incident in grade 2 and 4 and my anxiety made me very susceptible to being further damaged.

In grade 8, I had no strategies or knowledge of anxiety. I was not diagnosed with anxiety yet and I was not on medication and had not had any sort of therapy. If it happened today, I would practice kind self talk and a lot of self care. [1]I would understand that it is coming from a place of severe anxiety, and I was going to be okay as I am not going insane or crazy.  I would focus on my breath for awhile, then maybe focus on what I was seeing then focus on how I feel like my feet touching the ground.  I would play with my hair or wash my hands under water. I would understand that this too shall pass. I am a wonderful person deserving of love.

To this day, I do not know what exactly happened. What do you think? Did it happen and I misinterpreted people facial expressions or was its psychosis?

[1] Anxiety Psychosis: What it is and How to Control it (calmclinic.com)