“All that Work and What Did it Get Me”; How I Lost My Faith in Therapy And Strategies And How I Plan To Reclaim It

Four years ago, after umpteen years in therapy, daily meditation and medication, I thought I was healed from my anxiety disorder.  I decided to stop taking my medication, so I slowly and safely weaned off my meds.  Things went well for two or three months until the anxiety slowly, without notice, crept back into my life.  At first, it was anxiety, then it was anxiety attacks and after six months I was in a constant state of anxiety having full blown panic attacks.  It was very difficult for me to leave my house.  “Where did all my hard work go”, I exclaimed.  It is like that popular TikTok trend with the song, “All that work and what did it get me”.  Here I was back where I started.  I stopped all meditations, deep breathing, yoga, relaxation techniques and other strategies and went back on my medication.  My therapist mentioned that things would have been a lot worse if I haven’t been doing all this hard work so I shouldn’t lose faith.  So here I am, trying to rebuild and reclaim my faith in therapy and strategies and I am trying to incorporate some of them back into my life.  This is one reason why I am writing this blog.

When I say I worked hard, I am not kidding!  I have spent two years, going to see a therapist once a week, working with Viola Fodor’s Life Process transformation program.  This led to me reading books written by Eckhart Tolle.  Previously, I went to an eight-week program, where I meet with a therapist in a group setting working on the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction Program (MBSR) created by Jon Kabat- Zinn.  I also the following year, attending another eight-week program called Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy for Depression created by Mark Willliams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal, and Jon Kabat-Zinn.  I also went to see another therapist for over a year and had Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR).   I meditated every morning for five years and I also attended weekly meditation classes at a Buddhist Meditation Dharma Centre.  I also toke yoga classes until I hurt my knees.  How can there possible be more? Oh, there is……  I have also seen Reiki therapists and Energy Medicine Therapists.  I have seen Naturopaths and tried many herbs and vitamins and tried many different diets.  One Naturopath did acupuncture on me.  I exercised and went to the gym.  I also tried positive affirmations and listened to inspirating, spiritual CDs in the car.  After all this work, years of work, thousands of dollars, my anxiety was still with me.

Was my therapist right by saying that I would be a lot worse off if I haven’t done all this work on myself?  There is no way to tell.  I guess it is a leap of faith and trusting in all the medical or scholarly studies.  Please don’t give up hope.

There is a book written by Dan Harris called “10% Happier” that discusses how meditation helped the author’s anxiety and made him 10% happier.  I love that it is 10% not 90% or higher.  It is realistic but still hopeful.  10% can take the edge off for sure! This gives me a lot of hope.

I would like to meditate daily and be 10% happier.  How about you?  If not meditation, what would you like to do to be 10% happier and less stressed?