Eye Movement and Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) - Part 2

I would like to share with you another story I discussed with my therapist during an EMDR (eye movement and desensitization reprocessing) session.  I would like to tell you the backstory first, so my session will make sense to you.  In 1985, 5 months after I experienced my first panic attack and was experiencing agoraphobia, panic disorder and depression, my parents thought it would be a good idea to take me up to a rental cottage in Parry Sound and then a trip up to Sudbury to visit family friends.  I was 16 years old at this time and missed 4 months of school due to agoraphobia.  At the time, I was not officially diagnosed, and my family doctor was still exploring physical illnesses.   I was horrified by the thought that it could be a mental disorder, and my parents were too proud to think that a mental issue could affect one of their offspring.  The amount of shame a mental health diagnoses would bring would be enormous.  I honestly felt that my family would no longer respect or love me if I was experiencing mental health issues.  Each time I would go to see a specialist, my mother would point her finger at me, raise her eyebrows and say in a firm deep voice, “make sure you don’t mention emotions, you don’t want them to think it is all in your head”.  Wow! I know! I hate the term “all in your head”, just hate it.  Anyway, at this time, I honestly believed that I had a physical disease.

The cottage that we rented was beautiful.  It was my paradise.  My parents have been renting it for as long as I can remember.  There are so many happy, joyful and fun memories I made there.   I was so naive that I thought all these calm, happy emotions would wash over me when I arrived.  Unfortunately, that was not the case.  I was very anxious the whole week I was there.  I remember there was a time that I thought I would go for a swim in the lake.  I loved swimming and always had fun in the lake by the cottage. As soon as I put my head underwater, I started to panic!  I jumped out of the water, gasping for breath!  It would be another few years before I was able to swim again!

When the week was over, my family, including my brother and sister, were going to drive to Sudbury to visit family friends.  The family had 3 children and the youngest daughter named * Laura was close to my sister and my age, and we often hung out when visiting.  It was very hard being at their house because I was so anxious.  I was unable to go to school or any other place that was full of people.  I seem to do ok in houses.  I was proud of myself for surviving, although I was having a hard time.  While we were hanging out, Laura pipped up and said in a very confident voice, “my parents said you are sick, you are not sick, it is all in your mind”.   My sister gave me a condescending glance and nodded.  I was horrified, and I was flooded with shame.  How could Laura think that?  I was absolutely devastated.  That is where my memory ends, being at Laura’s house.  My next memory is being in the backseat of my parent’s car with my brother and sister.  I couldn’t breathe and I was crying.  I remember begging my parents to take me to the hospital, but they refused.  This is all I could remember, but it was so devastating.  

I would like to re-create part of the therapy session, just so you can have an idea what goes on in an EMDR session.  The therapist had me holding a small buzzer in each hand, and they alternately would vibrate.  The whole idea is that the brain hasn't processed the emotions yet and alternating the left and right side of the brain, will help the brain digest it.  Therapists do not have to use a buzzer, there are other ways such as touch for example.  The therapist will ask me every minute or so what I am feeling or seeing.

Therapist:  Where are you now?

Me:  I am in the car crying.  I can’t breathe, and I think I am going to die

Therapist: What are you seeing now?

Me:  I feel an immense amount of shame

Therapist: What are you seeing now?

Me:  My parents are calm.  They don’t even look at me.  I am hysterical!  I am crying and hyperventilating.  I beg my parents to take me to the hospital, but they just ignore me

Therapist: What are you seeing now?

Me:  My brother and sister look calm.

Therapist: How about now?

Me:  They have an arrogant look on their face.  They are looking down on me.

They are not saying a word

Therapist: How about now?

Me:  How can you not say anything?  Your sister is clearly upset? (talking about my siblings)

Therapist: How about now?

Me:  How can you not console me?  How do you let a person cry and hyperventilate and not say anything to the tune of “you will be ok”.  How about a distraction conversation or maybe a hug

Therapist: How about now?

Me:  I feel very angry.  What is wrong with my siblings?

The therapist asked me after a while how disturbing the situation was to me.  Today I answered a 1 as it was not very disturbing to me.  This is why I am able to share this with you without feeling intense emotions.  I look at it as a memory.  It is not happening now.

Afterwards, the therapist and I would talk about what happened.   I told her I was surprised how angry I was at my siblings.  They were so mean and unfeeling to me.  I knew my parents didn't handle the situation very well, but I never thought about my siblings.  It honestly breaks my heart.  For the past 40 years, I have never once talked to my siblings about my mental health.  The odd time, my brother will tease me about it and I will ignore him.  Clearly, they think they are superior to me because they do not have anxiety or depression.  They have learned this from my parents.  Where did my parents get this attitude from regarding mental health? It was what everyone thought about it back in the day.  The 1980s was a really horrible time to have a mental illness.  Even my doctor didn't recognize the physical symptoms of anxiety and depression.  But that is all over now, it is just a memory.

Do you have a similar story?  Is your family supportive?

Please note:    * names have been changed for privacy reasons