Fall 1994 – Biofeedback; an Effective Therapy

I still remember the fall of 1994.  I just finished university and I was starting to a post-graduate diploma at Sheridan College.  My anxiety was at its all-time worst.  I had no self esteem and I mean NO Self esteem!   I was off all my medications, and I didn’t have access to my physician at the university who was very helpful and kind.  He would take the time to meet with me weekly and ask how things are going.  He always had some encourages words for me.

I remember a horrible memory of being in the bathroom stall at residence and having the worst panic attack.  This happened daily every morning.  I didn’t know if I was going to throw up or pass out.  I could hear screaming in my mind.  I thought I was going crazy and dying.  My heart was pounding, and I would be sweating.  I felt doomed, terrified and hopeless.

School was impossible.  I froze.  I could hardly function.  I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t study.  My anxiety was so horrible I ended up dropping out.  This of course fueled the narrative that I was a failure.  My parents were so angry and were not compassionate at all.  I at least had my grandparents to talk to.  They lived about a 30-minute subway ride away.

I went to the medical clinic at the college, and I requested a prescription of a benzodiazepine from the attending doctor.  This was always a humiliating task.  The doctor I had wasn’t very kind or compassionate.  He was cold and judgmental.  He told me I was an extremist from our 2 second conversation.  My 55-year-old self knows that I am not an extremist.  He did prescribe me some tranquilizers and he refer me to a Biofeedback clinic that was at Sunnybrook Hospital.  That was the best thing ever a family doctor could of done!  Even though he wasn’t kind, he gave me everything I needed to heal.

The biofeedback clinic was not covered by OHIP (Ontario Health Insurance Plan).  I would need to pay out of pocket, and I asked my father for financial help.  My dad did not want to pay.  It was an eight-week course.  He was furious that I dropped out and didn’t believe in therapy. He did end up paying which I was very thankful.  He asked me constantly throughout the eight weeks if I thought it was working and reminded me how much money it was costing him.  The thing is my readers, my dad did have the money.  Either he didn’t believe in therapy, or my mental health was just not worth it.  I would like to believe that he didn’t believe in therapy.  I know now that he loved me, but back then, I felt like my health wasn’t worth it.  I was devastating.  If I could work, I would of.

Biofeedback is when they put sensors on parts of your body to measure your temperature and heart rate.  When you are calm, your fingers are warm, and your heart rate is slow.  They would have me practice at home twice a day.  The first 20-minute tape was a progressive muscle relaxation exercise and on the other side, was a visualization exercise.  I practiced twice a day, and I went to the clinic once a week.  It did make a huge difference.  My medication was crucial for my health for me to get myself to the clinic initially.  After four or five weeks, I no longer needed as much medication.  At the end of the eight weeks, I was off them.

After 8 months, I stopped practicing my relaxation exercises and my anxiety came back.  The key is to practice everyday like you would if it was a daily medication.