July 5th, 2024 - A Day filled with Paralyzing Anxiety

Today was a rough day! Two day ago, I went to see my family doctor to discuss the findings of the MRI of my knee. I worried about this appointment for weeks. I was concerned that the results would not match my symptoms. Everyone with anxiety knows how this feels. We often go for medical tests that come back normal and you left feeling frustrated because it does not reflect how you feel. There are no tests for anxiety. This appointment was different! My doctor who has brushed me off all year took me seriously this appointment. She told me that I have advanced arthritis in my kneecap, and she recommended that I have a knee replacement as there are no other options to treat my knee. She was going to refer me to an orthopaedic surgeon. At first, I was happy that my MRI results reflect the symptoms I have been having in my knees. This happiness left me yesterday and today as the reality of the situation has hit me. I am going to need major surgery on both knees.

If this was not enough to deal with, my insurance company sent me an email that they wanted to talk to me.  I am currently on Long Term Disability due to my knees. I am always anxious when I have to talk to them.  The talk went well. My insurance company informed me that I am only disabled from my current occupation not disabled from all types of work, therefore, I am only to receive payments for a total of 24 months. I am on month 4 out of 24 so 20 months left.  Last night I couldn’t sleep, I worried that my surgeries and recover time might take longer than 20 months.  First, I have to be referred which might take 6 to 8 months, then they schedule surgery which would take another 8 months.  I have 2 knees so they would schedule them separately.  After, there would be recovery time. 20 months would only give me time to have surgery on 1 knee.  Anyways I composed an email explaining my concerns and the insurance company responded back to me gaslighting me.  When I read the email today, I was so upset. I didn’t get a lot done today because I was paralyzed with anxiety. 

I did talk about my concerns with my husband and my friend which helped a lot. I also went for a walk, did a little bit of yoga, and did my autogenic relaxation recording.  I do feel better than I did this morning. I am trying to just sit with the emotions knowing that this too shall pass. Everything will turn out fine, I know it will.  I will be OK..